Moving from Control to Commitment

Going with the flow is not my default.

I have a tendency to want to control things, and to want to do more if I allow my auto-pilot settings to take over. I'm way better than I used to be, but my default conditioning wants to work the plan, follow the timeline, march through the checklists and create the roadmap. I feel the need to always be productive, like I’m lazy or purposeless if I’m not in constant motion. I feel responsible for the outcome. I want to do it all.

Something I’m still working on is fully realizing (and admitting) when things feel off, when my grip is too tight, when ‘working the plan’ isn’t working, when my emotions, or my body is calling for something different. Or, when life or family dynamics require a new approach.

It’s often when I think I have the perfect plan, but it doesn’t seem to be working out, that I realize that something is ‘off’ and I become aware of everything I am feeling, and the emotions that have been stacking up and buried under my to-do list.

This is what happened a couple weeks ago on the return from our start of summer vacation, when I expected to hit the ground running and get full swing into summer’s pleasures and focus on writing and all the other to-do’s on my list. 

A year ago, we planned a trip to London to see the Taylor Swift ERAS tour and then planned a whole amazing vacation to England and Wales around it. My husband was the mastermind behind it all and it was so fun!

The day before our family trip, I was putting some suitcases back into the storage closet, and in the process one sprang loose and hit me on my upper cheek, right under my left eye. It hurt. A lot. I was glad it wasn’t an inch higher.

Instead of grabbing an ice pack, I ignored it, and went on to finish the other tasks on my long to do list.

In my own defense, it seemed fine. But I know better.

The following day, after a 10 plus hour flight to England, I woke up to find that my whole cheek and under my eye were very swollen. I had the world’s biggest eye bag! (Just what I wanted to start my vacation with, not!)

It bothered me off and on during the trip and I found myself getting irritated it was taking so long to go away. But I mostly just enjoyed the trip and ignored it.

I haven’t worn makeup since we got back, and not because my preferred style is ‘au natural’ or because it’s summer and things are just more low key, but because my body let me know that wasn’t the plan.

Turns out, I came home with a gigantic eye stye. I’ve never had one before and was clueless, but after a google search and a trip to the eye doctor it was confirmed. He assured me, applying warm compresses would do the trick in about a week. The prescription: use warm compresses on your eye 4-6 times a day for at least 10 minutes each time.

In other words, do a lot of nothing at regular intervals throughout your day! Or, chill out with some tea bags or a warm wash cloth on your face!

Eager to feel better, I followed the plan, but when one eye felt better, the other one started to ache and I was back to ground zero. I had to repeat the process (again). Ugh.

Obviously, I’ve had some ‘unplanned’ time to ponder things and I’ve been thinking a lot about my own tendency to want to control, do too much and what it would be like to instead approach life with a bit more trust. You know, loosen the grip and go with the flow.

What if I just let go of the timeline for my book and let go of the feelings of frustration that I wasn’t writing? What if I believed everything was on track and trusted everything was happening in divine timing? What if I could be committed, not controlling?

If I’m being completely honest and open here, the whole ‘Let go, and Let God’ thing has never made sense to me, until fairly recently. I always preferred the drivers seat! It's my default. My husband lovingly refers to this as "the way." It makes me  laugh now, which is clue my work on this  aspect of myself is working. I'm slowly changing and evolving. 

The truth is, I’m a believer that God’s plan is sovereign, and I’ve found that when I actively surrender, things work out better. There is flow.

Inside my forced rest the past couple weeks, a few things have risen to the top. 

Maybe you can relate...

I was confronted (again) with my tendency to want to attribute my worth and my value to powerless idols like plans, checklists, achievements and to-do’s. Those things can be good, but I don’t need to own every outcome, it's exhausting.

Once again, I was reminded that as a child of God, my worth is inherent.

The truth is God is my source, not my ‘plan’ or what I think it will get me. God is the source of my joy, comfort, peace, abundance and freedom.

There has also been a purification process taking place.

Purification in the healing, but also the transformational process inside my spirit. This little slow down has presented the opportunity to choose (again). I’m choosing the mantra, “I am not God, You are. Lead me and I will follow.” I am embracing the posture of ‘active surrender.' I am choosing commitment instead of control. 

I am in full faith that this journey of life is enriched by the depth of the relationship I am in with our Creator. The way forward is not about a plan, some random formula, or how much I ‘do’.  The abundance is found in cultivating and constantly plugging myself back into connection with the divine. Softening and allowing, and taking action from that more aligned and receptive space.

I am reminded that God wastes nothing. Even this little detour has been an answered prayer of sorts, giving me time to be more present and embrace God’s peace. 

As with any testing, struggle or ordeal I am emerging strengthened. I am now more determined than ever to ask God to help me gracefully redirect my focus and heart when I forget or turn from Him, and attempt to rely on my own plan or formula. I know that only God deserves my undivided attention and love. I am reminded (again) of what really matters inside of life. What I have right now, in this moment in my life is perfect, full, beautiful and abundant. And I am grateful. I am so thankful. I am blessed.

I am happy to report I am on the mend. The body is a powerful communicator if we listen. I'm listening. I hope you will keep tuning in and listening to the wealth of wisdom and guidance inside of you too.

What I know to be true is that each of us was made on purpose for a purpose. The journey is never smooth or linear, it always comes with twists and turns. There is no map, and our checklists can only take us so far because we are a part of a much bigger mystery than any of us can even comprehend.

Where in your life do you need to move from control to commitment?

What in your life could benefit from a posture of active surrender? (What if you loosened your grip, and yet still take aligned action in deep faith and trust that God’s got you?)

What energy would that free up?

Where have you unplugged yourself from your connection to source — God — and what relief would reconnection bring?

As always Sandra, I love hearing back from you. REPLY back and let me know how this lands. I love hearing about your journey!

I’ve also recorded a sweet meditation called Surrender, it’s part of my Meditation Method library, but I’m giving you access here. (Or click the image below).

Put on your headphones and rediscover your connection. Let go. And allow yourself to be loved, held and guided. Again, you can access the meditation here: Surrender

Abundance is yours. I'm in the work with you, let's keep inspiring each other by being our imperfect authentic selves.

xoxo,
Alexandra